The past three days I have had the pressure of tears behind my eyes that refused to spill over. This morning I re-read every baby shower and condolence card we ever received. I took out Nina-Lou's coming home outfit, smelled it, rubbed it against my cheek. I looked at her footprint and remembered that awful night. And I wept. A lot.
I'll never hold her again. Some days I miss her so much, and the horror of what happened to us vibrates so vividly in my mind.
I've still never dreamt of her. I hope to someday.
I wish she were here. I wish she were 8 months old. I wish these were tears of happiness and not of grief.
She gave me wonderful and beautiful gifts. But it still hurts. I try to keep that hurt wrapped up nice and tidy these days. But sometimes it spills out, gets messy.
I'm better, I'm worse. I'll never be the same. Holy crap, I miss her.
